I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize