if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I faked an abortion last night.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism