just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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