You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
