No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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