Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
