please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
