Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
