and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
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I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.