She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up