It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
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I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
FUCK WHALES
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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