I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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