There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
