I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize