Soap is not a condiment
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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