I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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