dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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