You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
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They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
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The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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