so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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