we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
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False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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