i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
