Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
