If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
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I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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