GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So vagazzling was a success
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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