just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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