i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
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MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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