I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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