Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"