i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.