no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
