I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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