I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
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Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
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shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor