If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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