If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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