please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
