I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
