saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
