I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Duck Duck Cougar?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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