I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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