I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize