haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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