in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
