My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
