I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
