if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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