Soap is not a condiment
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
