i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
