I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
