OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
