just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick