Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
