I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
